Its been about 7 months since we left the Dominican Republic, and to tell you the truth I feel like I never got my heart back. I left it in Sonia's Orphanage. I literally can't express the feelings I have towards the Dominican as a whole. I can honestly look back and say the day at Sonia's was one of the most treasured I've had thus far. It set my heart on fire, and even till this day, its still ablaze.
Missions is what I really feel the Lord is calling me to. Some people reading this know this isn't the first blog I've written about the subject, but its the closest topic to my heart.
I have never felt so close to the Lord than when I'm cleaning up trash or playing with those kids, sharing the Good News. I want that to be my whole life. I'm constantly reminded by my mother that the life style I'm choosing (The life the Lord is calling me to) isn't going to be glamorous, it won't be easy. I'm well aware of the risks as well as the rewards. The Lord is constantly showing me missionaries as well as books and great stories of the past that prove my mother's fears quite well. But My God raises from the Dead. He'll protect me and lead me where He wants me, not where safety is, but where NEED is.
I, by no means, want my life to be my own, and its a daily battle to die to self. Living in a lifestyle surrounded by the world constantly toys with my mind. I start to remember the life I had, the people I knew, the experiences that changed me forever, and a piece of me longs for that again. That piece of me is a little thing I like to call my Flesh. If only it wasn't there, that would be the day. My heart longs to live for Christ, to stand up for Him like He stood up for me, but like Paul says in Romans 7:14-20,
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."
The things my heart longs for tends to be different from what I say, and do, ultimately reflecting on my relationship with Christ - showing who my strength is, who I'm trying to Please. My heart literally hurts when I realize I could possibly be turning someone off to the Gospel due to my poor example, them missing out on the greatest gift ever known to mankind.
That in and of itself should help me change, right? Wrong. We're still sinners, no matter how hard we try, we Still continue to make mistakes. But making mistakes and making Excuses for mistakes are two totally different boats.
The Lord longs to be gracious to us, literally Longs. (Isaiah 30:18) The word 'Longs' literally means 'To have an earnest, heartfelt desire, especially for something beyond reach.' Its far beyond our reach, but not His.
When I think about the next ten years of my life, a few things come to mind : I have no idea. I have a plan of what I could do, what I want to do, and what I'm capable of doing, but ultimately,tomorrow isn't my own. I keep reminding myself I really have no control over my life, and hey, I'm perfectly fine with that. Right now, at 1:11 AM, the Lord knew I would be writing these very words, isn't that awesome? He constantly blows my mind.
Who knows tomorrow, the rest of my life, my future husband, my hope in missions, my support, my everything?
The Big man himself, I like to call him ABBA.
