1:33

Guys guys guys guys.
It's 1:33 am, I'm so awake and way too excited. In t-minus 5 hours I'll be at the airport. On a plane. On my way to live in the Dominican republic.

IS THIS MY LIFE.

Ive been all over the place over the last few years. But nothing has changed - this will always be my heart. I love my Jesus, and Im in awe of the way he loves me. I'm nervous to be going 'alone', but I've never been alone. God is so good, God is so great. If you don't know him, dude. Dude. Get to. He's the BOMB.

So grateful, so nervous, so excited!

In 30 hours.

In 30 hours, I will be boarding a plane and leaving every material comfort I've become so familiar with. In uncertain, uncomfortable situations and there is no other place id rather be.

One of my biggest fears in going to the Dominican republic isn't leaving the USA, it's not wanting to come back. My heart isn't in this country, it never has been. My heart is where they are. Playing in the dirt with the poorest of the poor, the kindest most incredible children and families in the world. I would give my life for this, and for them.

I can not wait to see what's in store. God is great, I am so blessed. He's walking hand in hand with me - no fear.


Let Your love define us.

Shaaaaakkin

I'm leaving the the Dominican republic Friday morning.

I'm still in shock, to be honest. It hasn't kicked in. I'm going to be in the Dominican republic this time next week doing what I love to do.

I'm nervous. Nervous out of my mind.

Last time I went on a missions trip I was in a better place than I am at the moment. I'm a fickle human being, always changing.

Thank goodness God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called.

This is going to change my life. I can't wait.

It's funny too that I've always tried to run from my family but now that I'm leaving, I treasure them more every day. It makes me upset I didn't recognize that sooner.

These are just my thoughts written. A hot mess. Nervous? You better believe it. But there is nothing in the entire world like working for the lord. Nothing.

“I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.”
— C.S. Lewis

I am the most fickle, sinful person on the face of this world. I love the lord in the morning, I forsake him come sun set.

Frustrated.

258 hours until I'm out of this country.

Trust

Do I really trust You have better.
Do I really trust that you're in control.
Do I really trust that you're FOR me, not against me.
Do I really trust you, period.

I've forgotten how to trust. Be at peace, give up. I've forgotten how to have faith and being disciplined. Fighting for the truth and seeking what's right.

Mold me, I'm a mess.

The beginning.

Its funny that once you look closely, you can see the beginning of a downfall. I remember the first time my thoughts changed, the first justification, first exception. I molded my life and desires around you.

Now we don't talk, thankfully. You hate my guts, so does she. For what.

Truth be told, you weren't worth it. In the slightest.

Friday, May 11th. 2012

This is the first post I've written in over 2 years.

I'm a mess, to be honest. I'm a big ol' mess. I've wandered so far, I've forsaken so many. I've been MIA, lost. But you know what?

God hasn't been. He's exactly the same today, tomorrow, and forever. He's not blaming me for my sinful self, rather loving me in the process. He has chosen me from the beginning of time to love him, walk with Him. This is a bump in the road, but that doesn't mean the road ends.

I'm about to embark on a journey to be a missionary intern with Score international in 20 days. God has my future, He holds my heart. I'm scared, I won't lie. I feel so unworthy, I feel useless. Why would I be used for HIS kingdom when I've forsaken it so many times while in the US. I've blatantly said no, I don't want to do Your commands, I don't want to follow you. I choose the world.

Those, right there, are lies. Straight lies. There is NOTHING that separates us from Christ, His love, or His plan. Nothing. We are going to be messy, we are going to fall short. But thank goodness for a Savior who's arms are mighty to save.

Forgiveness. Newness. Love. It's WORTH it. Nothing's better. I promise you, your life will be miserable looking for selfish desires and ambitions. You will be broken, empty, used. There is so much better.

I'm going Home.