.

Basically, I've confirmed my suspicions about something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

I am

Such a jealous person.

Its horrible, and prayerfully, I won't be anymore.

I tend to see something thats functional, or well, not Chaotic, and I get extremely jealous. Why In the world can't I just be happy for those people?! A part of me is, yet there still lingers a part of me that wishes I could have that.

[There is the big green man himself. I really don't find him attractive. I'd rather not look like him.

I just want to look like Jesus.]

I'm not jealous of the material things, like money, clothes, or the outward appearance.

Its when I see people that have others that genuinely care about them. Someone that loves them, would do anything for them. For some strange reason, I can't quite rap my mind around that. It just seems too good to be true.

I've also found, when I see people that are normal, happy, I find it So hard to be myself around them. I think the fear is [refer to last post] scaring them off, which has been the case before. I don't know, I think I assume the worst quite often about friendships, because of the not-so-great-friendship choices I've made in the past.

Truth be told.

This is what It comes down to.

I'm a little girl, who has been hurt.

I've invested a piece of my heart to people that manipulated it,

Hurt it,

and broke it.

I can try so hard to cover the scars, but in the end, only One person is able.

I can't hide behind bitterness, because the only person it's really hurting is, well, myself.

I can't be angry, because that can't change the past.

I can't cut off every friendship I'm scared of, because I don't want to go back there.

I can't live life as a pessimist.

Jesus Genuinely cares for me.

He loves me beyond reason.

He Died for me.

He wants to be my best friend.

I just have to, once again, get over myself, and

T r u s t.

I need to know He is genuine, He is loving, He is everything I could ever want and more, and I find it funny, because He's screaming it to me at the top of His lungs, trying to get my attention.

And what have I been doing about it you might ask?

I've been looking elsewhere. The reason I was even hurt in the first place was because the substitutes I put in the place of Him.

I'm done with substitutes. I want to Real Deal.

1. "I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
   I’d rather be His than have riches untold;
   I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands;
   I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand
   
   
   • Than to be the king of a vast domain,
     Or be held in sin’s dread sway;
     I’d rather have Jesus than anything
     This world affords today.
2. I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause;
   I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;
   I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame;
   I’d rather be true to His holy name
3. He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;
   He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb;
   He’s all that my hungering spirit needs;
   I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead"

"The Lord longs to be gracious to you, and He waits on high to have compassion on you.. How blessed is he who longs for Him." Isaiah 30:18