Your face will always be burned into my Memory.

Alma.

I can't get her out of my head. I wish with all of my heart we could adopt her. Hearing her story, the life of hurt she's had. I miss her so much. I try to move on in my life, then something brings me back to her beautiful face. Something reminds me of who she is, Who they are.

Today I was thinking about everything under the sun. My mom asked me to walk to the store and grab something for dinner. While I was there, In the fruits I saw the mangos, and underneath it said "product of the Dominican Republic."

Immediately, I got an image of a little boy with Mango's in the pocket he made using his shirt. Even though he had nothing to eat, he had mangos, and he was kind enough to offer one to me. I said no, thank you though, seeing the condition of this boy, I didn't know when he had last eaten. I will never forget those little brown eyes, So eager to share, so lovely.

I sat in Safeway, on the verge of tears, holding a mango.

Looked crazy? most likely.

But I didn't care. I miss every single on of those kids. Nothing will ever change that. They were such lights to me, and every day, continue to touch my heart. I want to go back so badly, see them again.

School :

One thing that makes me Insanely angry, is when people say "the only reason your leaving McLean is cause you don't want to face your problems, grow up and deal with real life. Stop running away and face it."

First off.

I've faced my problems, like you'd know my problems in the first place. I intend to never have those problems again.

"Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." 2 Timothy 2:22

Don't you dare tell me I'm Running away.

Second off.

You think McLean High school is like real life? HAHAHA. It seems you've got some growing up to do, buddy.

REAL reason for leaving Mclean :

I have been given an opportunity to graduate a year early, and Prayerfully go to Costa Rica for 9 months with SCORE international - G.A.P. Year. - I have to get a full time job, do independent studies this year, and save for the Gap Year.

I'm not running away from anything, but I'm running towards going back to the Dominican, Graduating a year early, going to Costa Rica to study spanish, learn to be a missionary. Im running towards a better education, Im running towards becoming a nurse. Im running towards seeing those kids again.

I guess you could say I am running away from some things, but things like this : Immaturity, fake's, Bad teachers, false hopes, shallow friendships, and so much more. Im running as hard and fast as I can away from those things.

Im running to Jesus, and not looking back.

[Alma, about an hour before We had to say goodbye.]

Happy Three Years, Leilah Bennajma.

Three Years, In a nutshell.

1. Heath Ledger, Broke back Moutain.

2. Beginning of abuse, started from day one : coldstone.

3. Memomesh.

4. gallons of Milk

5. Laughing until we cried.

6. Winter camp.

7. Mall with brooks, constantly.

8. Gleaning.

9. Yellow house group.

10. Halloween Party.

11. More milk(:

12. Breaking Dawn.

13. Good bye brooks.

14. Winter Camp.

15. Paint.

16. Wax.

17. Bus accident

18. Killed by inflatable Mattress.

19. Red House Groups With Lauren Mencia and Mommy west.

20. Nina's Chinese with Highlighter all over my body.

21. Laurens House group : Sitting in her basement, your mom came down to pick you up, saw the deer down there and was freaking out. We would talk the whole house group, lauren kept getting mad (:

22. Delicious Heart shaped Therapy.

23. Squirrels named Matt.

24. IF GOD LOVED ME, HE'D GIVE ME A UNICORN. [turn the corner, unicorn poster.] OH MY GOSH. GOD LOVES ME!

25. Leilah Lee Lacey time.

26. 14 Birthday party, hawii style.

27. Ice skating.

28. Billybob and Larry.

29. Movies : Sales guy : "Would you like the twistable cap for 25 Cents more?" Leilah : ":o... Ye...yes." [you were so amazed]

30. Thats what she said.

31. Llamas with underbites.

32. Bruises.

33. I have no personal space when Im with you.

34. Blanket caterpillar. - My living room.

35. Paramore.

36. Watching your mom 'get low', constantly.

37. Endless sweet tea.

38. Rape.

39. There is so much more, I cant even write it all down.

40. And just being with you, thats the best.

I love you, Three years is just the beginning.

Best friends for ever, thick and thin.

One of Many #8.

William Engebretson.

I love you.

Democrat.

Republican.

Screw it. (:

You are one of my closest friends, one of those people that are so rare, you have to hold on to them. Everything about you takes me back to november and december. The last time I really got to spend some good face time with you. I remember December 12th, You, me, and Laura were lying on my bed, having our wonderful cuddle party(: Later that night, you said something that will always stick with me.

"I think organized religion is a lie."

Thats what started the conversation.

We sat in my room, I don't know how long, talking about God, heaven, everything under the sun. I will never forget that night. That was the first time in a long time some light was shined on to my life. I was living in ways that wasn't true to who I was, and talking to you took me back to where I loved. Thank you will, for always being someone I can talk to, you are truly an amazing person. 95 Letters + some and we're still bestfrands.(: Distance makes the heart grow founder, I AGREE. I miss you every day, I can't wait till you come home for good.

one of Many #7.

Brooks Sharrett.

I love you.

We've had some awesome times my friend, And they were some of the sweetest I've had. We saw each other grow up. I remember meeting you when you were going into 7th grade. The first thing I thought was Man, this kid has some awesome eyes. You asked me if Paola and Nina we're always that crazy, and I had to answer honestly, and say yes.(: The Blue hat : You loved that thing. You wore it everywhere. Myspace : 'Boy with the Blue hat' was your name.

We talked on the phone for hours and hours, you made ringtones for my phone [hahaha lady friend] and you were my best friend. When you told me you were moving, I was so sad. I was so sad. Over the last year, our lives have gone in different directions, but we both can always look back to the summer of 07 and say man, I miss that.

Im keeping good care of the blue hat - its hanging on my mirror.(:

I love you antwon, Hobo, paintball buddy, Always will.

one of Many #6.

Brent Daughety.

I love you.

You are such a fun guy, Im so glad we've gotten close. I can't really think back to when I first talked to you, but I always thought you were hilarious. Leilah introduced me, I think, at her Birthday party [?] Nevertheless, I met you (: And I'm so glad I did. Your such a man of God, you really are one of my best friends, I can tell you anything, and I hope you can do the same with me. High school - Im gonna have to fight off the ladies, cause you'll always be my muffin(:

One of Many #5.

Lauren Schlademan.

I love you.

Over the last two months [ish] we've bonded(: ahah. Last day of the dominican republic, sitting by the pool just talking. I always wanted to talk to you, get to know you. I had always known about you, and every wednesday we'd give each other the awkward I-don't-really-know-you-but-I-know-you-well-enough-to-say-Hi Wave. You are such a strong woman of christ, not afraid of what people think. You are such an uplifting person in my life, and I'm so glad we're friends(: Your Beautiful, darling.

one of Many #4.

Natalia Sicilia.

I love you.

I'm So glad I've gotten to know you over the last year, it's been so awesome. The first time I saw you, I was honestly shocked by how beautiful you are, extremely Jealous. (: hahah.

Over basically 5 months, We started becoming closer and closer, then beach week topped it off(: I love talking to you, your such a good friend. Life is crazy, it happens to the best of us. But I promise to be here through the craziness, pinky promise! Your one of my best friends, and I cherish your friendship.

Boys are stupid, remember that (:

One of Many #3.

Paola E. Villegas.

I love you.

You were the first one I met at the Rock, you were so nice to me, even though I was a freak. Your Beautiful, Inside and out, and your personality, man, I'm jealous. You bring such an amount of joy where ever you go, it's contagious.

I wish I lived closer to you, we hardly get to hang out, which makes me sad. But Im so glad we got so close, the rock tends to do that to people(: You were the first person I told about some things I was doing in my life, I needed help, and you were there for me. [bathroom shower times]

Mexico.

Beach week.

Beach week 2.

Dominican Republic.

And so much In between.

I love you, so very much, and I can't wait to see what God has for us (:

You are my sunshine.

One of Many #2.

Leilah Bennajma.

I love you.

We have had some of the greatest times I've ever had with my friends. I will always treasure those. When I met you, I remember thinking, 'I love her hair, I think she's cool. I have a feeling we're gonna be friends.' Almost three years later, we're inseparable. You are my leilahbee. Some words to relive the memories:

1.)Broke back mountain.

2.)Paint

3.)Wax.

4.)Cold stone + Scott Kempter

5.)Fer-breeze

6.)Llamas with under bite's.

7.)Bruises.

8.)Spooning.

9.) Anti-matt brownies.

10.) Skipping school to go to the mall with brooks, in 4 inches of snow.

11.) Movies + unicorns + sharp bathroom stalls.

12.) Sweatshirts.

13.) Drawing on Brooks' sling.

14.) MEMOMESH.

And so much more.

I will love you no matter what, and You've been such a blessing in my life(:

You are my sunshine.

One of Many.

So I decided to post some things meant for my closest friends.

So this one is for Madison Lee Simmons.

I love you.

I'm so glad God has put you into my life, I honestly cant Imagine my life without you. We've had our fair share of ups and downs, but we always come out stronger. Everything about you brightens my life - Just being with you brings out the best in people. I know our lives are headed in all different directions, but I also know, Your my best friend, and nothing can separate that. No new friend will replace the place you have in my heart, you will always be my madinis :)

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

You are my Sunshine.

2009-2010 School Year.

Goodbye McLean High School.

I have no idea how I feel about it, one day I'm so excited to start over, get a job - working full time, being able to pay for my own things, save to get a car, graduate early, move forward in my life.

Then other days, I don't know if my heart wants to grow up. I have commitments now, things I cant play around with anymore. It isn't just a 'good time' or a 'fun saturday night', I have to deal with its my car payment, Its my freedom with my parents, its the next few years of my life, its work every day, its school work to the max.

Basically, Im scared of being left behind. Im scared on being alone. I know public school, some people leave, and everyone moves on. I feel like doing these independent studies, I'll be alone all the time, I won't be able to see the friends I had at McLean. Its a brand new environment, something totally unknown.

Im diving in.

Week two and three of imprisonment: complete.

oh my goodness.

SOMEONE STEAL ME.

Im going insane.

Its getting better, just some major life changes I'm not quite used to.

But my parents are being a little bit nice at least. I got to hang out with Miss Lauren within the last two weeks (: So that was awesome.

The punishment is hard, but It's really given me some time to think about things, some important things. I know this year I have no choice but to grow up, and thats really scary for me. Growing up, scares me. I don't want my life flying by, But I guess I have no choice.

week one of imprisonment: complete.

I have been grounded indefinitely for one week and one day.

Im

going

to

Explode.

I have made some stupid decisions, and yes, I did choose this by the mistakes I've made, but MAN do I regret them. Every single one. So stupid, so immature. The only way of communication I have is a facebook. My parents are in charge of my friends list, and they wont add a single person from Mclean High school, which Im actually really glad about. I really just need to cut some people out of my life, and this is a good way of doing that.

2009-2010 school year : Most likely going to be home schooled for a Year. Then 2010-2011 school year I'd be going to NOVA. Im really excited about not going back to Mclean.

It wasn't so much as it was a Bad school, i just surrounded myself with the wrong people, fast. Some were fine, others, well weren't. I started getting involved in some bad things, and I really didn't want to be there. [Of course my parents don't want me there either.] I had some close friends, one of which is out of the state till October, but the other people were just shallow, immature, hurtful relationships.

Freedom and confinment at the same time. Confusing huh?

Slap In the Face

Today, I got an email talking about dolphins that needed rescuing and funding [in order to rescue them, of course.] The group was talking about the large amounts of money they raised and how many times they made rescue missions over oceans and oil spills in order to save this unique species of Dolphin.

It really got me thinking. It honestly almost made me laugh. I just spent a week in the Dominican Republic, in places no one wanted to go. Working in the hot, sweaty, and dangerous conditions. I saw children by the age of two with teeth already rotting. I saw men with pieces of their body missing from fights with machetes.

Who's raising funding for them? who's Traveling to the worst of the worst in order to rescue these kids, these people? Very few. I find it hard to 'Save the whales' when there's people dying slow, painful deaths due to hunger. It becomes a lot more personal having been there.

The wonderful people I went with, All of McLean Bible, as well as the SCORE international people had the most Beautiful Hearts. They cared so much for these people. I hope to some day grow up like them. Mature people of christ, Understanding the great commission like none other. I hope some day, prayerfully, I can become a full time missionary, So i don't ever have to leave the worst of the worst, the poor, the weary, the broken. That honestly would be my dream.

[Photo Taken by Rika Clark]

p.s. Don't get me wrong, I love dolphins and all, I just find it hard to believe someone could so easily get an abortion then be so passionate about saving dolphins. It just perplexes me.

hold my hand

So Today, a song was stuck in my head but I couldn't seem to figure out what it was called. My little brother was on the Computer and that song came on. I immediately asked him what the name was. Most of you probably know this song, but Here are the lyrics:

Your baby blues

So full of wonder

Your curly cues

Your contagious smile

And as I watch

You start to grow up

All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage

And storms will race in

But you will be safe in my arms

Rains will pour down

Waves will crash all around

But you will be safe in my arms

Story books full of fairy tales

Of kings and queens and the bluest skies

My heart is torn just in knowing

You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will rage

And storms will race in

But you will be safe in my arms

Rains will pour down

Waves will crash all around

But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble

Dreams may not come true

But you are never all alone

Because I will always

Always love you

Knowing clouds will rage

And storms will race in

But you will be safe in my arms

Rains will pour down

Waves will crash all around

But you will be safe in my arms.

Over the Last few days, I wanted to forget this. I wanted to go back to the way I was living, I don't really know why, but I did. I made some mistakes, I had a 'good time.' But afterwards, I just sat in my house, and felt like I was emotionally going to explode. I just wanted to run away from this place and these people and never look back. I wanted a way out. I felt so horrible, but I did it to myself, again. Then I heard this song. Last night I was talking to Miss Lauren,(: and she gave me some awesome verses. One of my favorites was Luke 22:32

"But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

This is the reason Im writing this. I wanted to share with you what I felt when I heard those lyrics.

I felt like a lost little girl, scared and just wanted to get out, run away. Then I hear my daddy. Even though life is a hurricane going on around me, I love that picture, the little girl just totally absent to everything going on around her, because she is so focused on the face and protection on her Father. Even though everything seems crazy and insane, she is content in being held, safe in His arms.

I felt that again, even though everything in my life is raging on around me, storms rolling in, I know that I'm safe in His arms. He knows I'm not perfect, But thats no excuse for a horrible lifestyle. I know when I fail, He Doesnt.

Life in the Dominican Republic

The most bittersweet day of my life :

we went to an orphanage that was commonly called "sonia's Orphanage" about 45 minutes from santo domingo. we walked in the door and this kids were SOO excited to see us. Then through all the kids, I see this beauttttttiful little girl, I dont remember her name, but she asked me to call her alma because her name was really unique. She was standing behind the other kids hiding. she immediately caught my eye. I walked over , asked what her name was, how old she was, if she wanted to play with me, etc. She stood there, hesisident till her friend came up to me and jumped on my back, them alma saw it was okay and reached her arms up to be picked up. She didnt talk for alittle while, then i broke through her shell. I asked her where her friends were, and she said she didnt have any. I asked whyy!? and she said because I dont like being close to people, because people leave. This beautiful little orphan girl, never knew her parents, abandoned by her older brother, was so broken. She didnt want to be put down, she just wanted to be held. This girl changed my life. she had the biggest effect on me. We got to spend two days there, the second day she ran up to me with the bigggest smile on her face and just jumped on me. [she was sick, by the way, really high fever.] and when it was time to say goodbye, i couldnt let her go. I sat there, she was asleep in my arms while i held her, rocking backand forth. and I said my love, Im so sorry, but I have to go. [I said this with tears down my face] I thought she was sleeping, then I look down at that beautiful face, and saw she was crying too. She wouldnt let me put her down. She kept saying please please. And I said I wanted to stay there for ever if i could, and I loved her. And she kept saying "this is why. This is why." I asked, por que ? [why..?] And she responded "people Leave."

I was balling my eyes out, I couldn't say goodbye to this girl, Im tearing up writing this. i was the first person she had talked to for years, it honestly KILLED me to put her down, wipe away those little tears, and say goodbye. I cant even discribe to you, it hurt me so deeply, because I told her I wasnt just another person that was gonna leave. I told her I would prayfor her every day and the one thing she said to me was Please don't forget me.

No way on this PLANET i could forget this girl.

wether its believable or not, this is where I belong. I belong with the people who have Nothing, ever sense mexico, i know the lord wants me in a spanish speaking country. The poverty is so heart breaking, the things that happen, these little girls being raped at the age of two, it hurts me so badly. But when im laughing, playing with these kids, holding them. I belong in a life of missions, I know it. This trip the lord totally reassured me of that. I dont know how the lord is going to work it out, but I trust that he will. I have never felt so right in a place then when Im sitting in the dirt holding a baby that is so sick, or has some kind of issue, but yet their so happy ! they are amazing kids, they honestly are lights to me.

I want to live a life of missions, no doubt in my mind. I want to be with the broken, hopeless, the poor. That would be my dream life. I know the cost of living that kind of life, I know the dangers. But if the lord wants me there, I'll go in a heartbeat. Here I am, send me. I know thats where I want to be, but I will wait for what the Lord wants me to do.

Welcome Home :

We came into the airport in Miami really late, I'm not sure when exactly, but my mind was shocked. Everything was so different, everything. Our whole country is so focused on me me me. I hate it. I came home to my parent freaking out about money issues, while I just spent a week with people who have Nothing whatsoever. I have a roof over my head. I have Air conditioning. I have a bed without bugs crawling in it. I know my parents. I have more then one pare of clothes, I have clean water, I have food. Why do I complain? I was thrown immediately into a society that I hate, things I gave up that every one in my life are telling me are fine.

I just want to leave, I want to go back. I want to live that life forever. I cant believe I gave up everything the Lord has shown me for the things my high school is offering me.

"All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God". [2 corinthians 5:18-20]

Im here for a reason, God put me as his Ambassador in Mclean High school, even though I failed last year. He trusted me with his message.

I will live this life for christ, no matter how hard I fall, He never lets go. I will live for now, and let him show me what he has for me, day by day.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

For now, That is Mclean Virginia.